October 29th, 2012

I've been thinking a lot lately about my illness. These days it feels like it's taking over my life. There's this dark cloud always looming above my head. Even when I think I'm doing well, I feel it. It hovers over me, this constant fear that I may get sick again. Sometimes, that cloud sinks, and like smoke it burns my eyes and curls around my lungs. I feel it in my blood and in my bones. This sickness has become part of me; it has twisted itself around my heart and under my skin. I try and fight it, but it continues to grow.

I don't want to be this way any more. I feel exhausted. I feel pathetic. I feel horrible because the people that I love will always end up blaming themselves for this. It isn't them. It isn't their fault. I was just been fucked over royally biologically, genetically and environmentally from the beginning. A lot of this stems from how I was treated by other people, but it's the people I love the most that give me a reason to keep going.

I don't want to disappoint them. I know I will. I'll fall, I'll relapse, I'll hurt myself. I don't want that, but I know that it'll happen. He always tells me that I'm "strong". I really don't think that I am. Stubborn? Probably, but I'm not strong at all. I'm very weak. I give in to this illness, I let it consume me-- because I feel like it's completely hopeless to resist. Most days, I don't want to fight. There will be times when I just want to die. I will always need someone to pull me out of that place.

I hate myself for all of this. I hate that I'm this way, but I really don't know what it's like NOT to be sick. I'm tired of going to doctors and therapists. I'm sick of taking pills and being told to "lighten up". I'm done with people telling me "it's all in my head," because you know what? That is a very easy thing to tell someone, but it is a very hard thing to change when you've been this way for most of your life. Someone who has not suffered in this way can not understand how it feels to live nearly your whole life feeling like you're a worthless piece of shit. Do you know how that feels? To actually want to die? Do you know what it's like to give up on everything? If the answer is "no," please refrain from telling ANYONE who suffers from a mental illness to "get over it".  

October 18th, 2012

Over the past few weeks, I've come to realize a lot of things about myself. Before school started, I was so optimistic about everything. I thought for sure, that things were going to go smoothly. I see now how unrealistic that was, because the truth is, I'm still sick. I still haven't dealt with a lot of my inner demons. A part of me really wants to keep fighting. I think I have a lot to offer people that are suffering from mental illnesses. However, I also think there will always be a part of me that wants to give up. Even if it's only a very small part; no matter how insignificant it might seem, it will always be there. If I keep letting my depression grow, I'll never escape that feeling.

One of the worst parts about my depression is how much it has become part of me. For lack of a better term, I was fucked over before I even realized I was sick. Depression and mental illness runs in both sides of my family; many of my relatives-- including immediate family members, suffer from mental illnesses and/or have problems with addiction. Then there's the environment I grew up in; I've lived in a house where substance abuse (mainly alcohol) has always been an issue. On top of that I endured physical, emotional and verbal abuse throughout my childhood and adolescence by family members and classmates. So, at a very young age, I was taught that I was not good enough. I was told that I'm ugly, worthless, a freak, a failure-- I was taught that no matter what I did, or how hard I tried I was never going to be "perfect" or loved by anyone-- not even my own family.

No child deserves that. No child deserves to be beaten, or hurt, or told that they're not wanted. Sadly, as long as I can remember, this has been my life. I believed every single word. It started as this tiny seed, planted inside of my mind; and slowly, buried it's roots and began to grow. It twisted itself around my insides. I can try and separate it from the bits that I think might be the person I could have been. I'm so tangled up in this sickness, that I don't think I'll ever fully escape it. For now, the best that I can do is try and keep it from getting out of control by going to therapy and taking medication. My illness does not define who I am. I am not my depression, or panic disorder. But I can't deny I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't gone through those things.

October 17th

I'm sitting here in the library by myself. I haven't posted here in a while, so I figured this might be a good time-- as I have so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I get like this in the fall. There's something about this time of year that makes me feel like day dreaming. I love the autumn. I like going on walks in the cool air, and cuddling up with Tristan under blankets and drinking tea. You know, I think I'd be perfectly happy, just laying around with him. We don't have to do anything specail. We don't have to do anything at all. I just like being with him. It doesn't matter where we are. I want to be by his side. Always.

I think, that this is the kind of relationship that will last. I can't help but think I've gotten so incredibly lucky. He's just so wonderful, you know?  I've never met anyone like him. Every little thing about him makes me smile. Everything about him is perfect. His eyes, how he looks at me, the way he holds me hand... all of it. It makes me love him more. Even the things he hates about himself, I love. I love how he gets jealous sometimes. How he tries to hide it-- I think it's so cute, that he's embarrassed about his jealous streak. But, he has nothing to worry about when it comes to other guys. I'm madly in love with him. I don't even notice other guys. I mean, why would I when I'm with the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on?
I really have no idea where I would be without Tristan. He's done so much for me, and he probably doesn't even know it. I've never felt this kind of unconditional love before. It scares me a little sometimes, because I'm really not used to it. I'm used to being told I'm not good enough. I've grown accustomed to abandonment  I get scared at times that my illness will make him hate me, too. Yet, he's done nothing but support me and comfort me when I really need it. That's another thing I love about Tristan, he's so patient  Just a few days ago, I completely broke down into a crying spell, right in front of him. He just held me and told me he understood. He told me everything was going to be okay. There was no selfishness in his actions or what he said. He didn't try and make me feel bad about getting upset and he didn't blame himself. He just held me and told me how much he meant to me. That's all I wanted to hear from someone.
"I need you,"
Up until recently, I went my entire life feeling as though I wasn't needed. Yeah, there are days I wake up and I feel that way, but the second my eyes meet his, I know that he needs me. This person needs me. I don't know if I have it in me to give up now. Not yet. I have to keep living for him. To see that smile.

Uni-life~

For once, I honestly feel very optimistic about this school year. I know, I say that every year. most of us do. but usually, there's this little shadow of doubt that stays in the back of my mind. last year, I had this feeling that something was going to end. I didn't know what, but I knew, that the school year was not going to be my best.

I was right; things did end. Two relationships ended, I lost friends-- or rather, people I thought were my friends, and I fought one of the worst periods of my depression and mental illness I've ever had to deal with. Despite all of those hardships, I think, I went through it all for the better. Right now, I feel more optimistic about the future than I ever have. I honestly think I will do well this year.
I have a stable relationship with the most wonderful person I've ever met. I don't know what I would do without him. Tristan makes me feel so happy, and strong.

I'm looking forward to going to class and learning new things. Maybe even meeting new people. I know I can do it this time. I have so many lovely people surrounding me and supporting me.
It would be unrealistic to say that this year is going to be perfect. I know that there will be times that I'll feel like giving up. I'll get tired and sad sometimes, but that's life. What matters is that I push through it and get over my procrastination habits.

This year is going to be my year of growth. I'm going to make this a positive year for me.

Oceanic Feelings

People always say that when you’re in a relationship, that the “magical feeling” disappears quickly. I suppose, in a lot of cases, that’s true. There is a lot of excitement in the “chase” and a lot of anticipation before someone makes a move. It’s those kind of moments, where you feel butterflies and  your heart races, that make you feel so alive and full of hope. I’ve been with Tristan for a little over 4 months,( so it may sound stupid, I know, we haven’t been together long) but, it’s a strange thing that those butterflies still haven’t faded. I think, it’s because I truly love him. I really do, so much. So even the little things that he does make me smile.

  In my eyes, Tristan is absolutely perfect. Every time I see him, even if I were to see him 20 times a day, I feel my heart flutter and I can feel my belly form that lovely little ache you get, you know— the same feeling you get when your eyes meet with the eyes of that person that you really fancy— I still get that. 

  It still feels odd looking back on it now. When I looked at him or spoke to him, he always seemed like the kind of guy that kept things to himself. Like he had all of the things that scared hi; every painful memory, every hurtful word and regret— locked away inside some place where no one could touch it. He tried so hard to hide it too. He always seemed as if he was lost in his own thoughts. To most people, I suppose he seemed like a happy, outgoing guy. But honestly, I could see something every, very sad in his eyes. When we really started talking, I told him that. I told him, that his eyes looked like they were constantly searching— even longing for something.But I never thought in a million years that some of that was me. I never thought that he would ever see me in a romantic sort of way for many reasons. 

First of all, Tristan is a really attractive guy, to be completely honest with you. I always thought he was attractive, even before I realized I had feelings for him. He’s quite tall, slender, and has these big, gorgeous hazel-brown eyes and— oh god, he has this beautiful crooked smile and lovely wavy dark hair. He dresses in cardigans and pea coats and scarves and soft cottony v-necks and comfy canvas shoes. There’s just something about the way he presents himself, and carries himself— and I’ve always thought that. 

Secondly, I have this “self defeating personality” which is really a nuisance. I thought about it for a while when I realized that I had a bit of a thing for him, but every single time I did I drove myself mad.

 “Should I tell him?”

 ”I’m going to tell him,”

 ”No wait, I can’t.”

  “He’s too good for me”

 ”He could have any girl he wanted, why would he accept my feelings?”

Everything just built up over time until I couldn’t stand it any more. I was unhappy where I was, and I honestly believed that the only way that this feeling would go away was if I did something for myself for a change. I was in a relationship at the time that I realized how strong those feelings for Tristan really were. I didn’t want to hurt the person I was with, but really, it was inevitable. I knew that. but I felt so alive when I stood by Tristan. When I’m with him, I feel like I’m actually ALIVE, instead of just existing. For so long, I walked around with this cynical and depressive attitude— like I was shrouded in this haze of negativity. I felt like I was stuck, like I wasn’t moving forward in the direction I wanted to.

But when I was with him, I felt like I could do it. Like I could make my life into whatever I wanted. He actually cared, and he really showed it in the things he said and did for me. Just little things, like staying awake with me for an entire night while I cried, and suffered through panic attacks. He stayed by my side. He wasn’t scared off. He didn’t get frustrated. Tristan stayed with me. 

Honestly, that’s all I wanted; was for someone to stay with me, and not be ashamed of me. I wanted to be with someone, that was proud of me. Someone that would hold my hand for the entire world to see. I’ve never had that. I’ve always just been put down and made to believe that I wasn’t worthy of that. 

I hated waking up in the morning then. I always had this sense of dread for each day that passed. But, when I knew I would see him, it gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It gave me a reason to live each day. As long as he wanted me here on this earth, I was going to try. I will try. I’ll keep trying— as long as he’s around, I want to live.

And that’s why, I think, that those butterflies haven’t gone away. Every day that I see him, is like the first day I opened my eyes to my feelings for him. It’s because I live each day to be the one by his side. That’s why.

Birthday thoughts and Lolita purchases.

It's so hard to believe I'll be turning 20 at the end of the month! As of right now, I don't really have any set plans on what I'm going to be doing to celebrate. I know my friends want to have a get together of some sort.

I'm going to get Kayla an awesome gift for our birthday. :3 I might go to some thrift stores with her and get some stuff there. I want to get her a leather purse with fringe on it. Preferably a cross body purse. Kayla loves anything hippie inspired, so anything tie-dyed, with a geometric print, bat sleeves, tanned leather, with fringe or feathers, ivory coloured and crochet. :P

We may end up getting our gifts late for each other this year, as Kayla has been having money troubles. I really want this beautiful deck of tarot cards I've been eyeing for a while. I don't have the money right now, so I'll be dropping a lot of hints~
I'm going to add any birthday money to my pay pal account so I can make a Bodyline/ Innocent World/ Wig Order. I really want these items:

asdfghjk. I can't wait!

I've been wanting a wig for a while. I have very short hair and it's been that way since I was 16, so it should be interesting seeing myself with long hair again after so long. Although, I really don't plan on growing it out. I like my hair short. 

I may also purchase some brown circle lenses, but I haven't decided yet~~

In any case...thank you for reading my ramblings, I'm sure I'll be posting again sometime soon!

Ta-ta~

Update: Job Offer

Hello, It's been a while, hasn't it? I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I'm usually on my tumblr. :P
In any case, I do have some news for you all. I may have hooked a job at a small store in my area. It's an odd little place. It sells everything from ice cream, to liquor, even things like plumbing equipment. It's been around for a while, since before my father was born. I remember going there a lot as a kid, so it'll be pretty nostalgic working there. I'd be getting about 30 hours a week. Which is awesome. The only thing I'm really worried about is not having time to see my boyfriend. I'd have every third weekend off, so that would be nice.

Anyway, I'm still not sure if I'd like to keep my job at the grocery store I'm working at while working at the new place, or if I should quit. Obviously, if my shifts cross over I don't have any other option. I like working where I work now, however, recent events have made me think about quitting. I mean, I love the place. I love the people, and the location and everything, but because of a specific incident involving 2 other employees, I really feel like it would be beneficial for me to stop working there, as it's been pretty stressful. Also, it's really out of the way, and I don't have the money to spend on taxi's every time I go to work.