Monday, 29 October 2012

October 29th, 2012

I've been thinking a lot lately about my illness. These days it feels like it's taking over my life. There's this dark cloud always looming above my head. Even when I think I'm doing well, I feel it. It hovers over me, this constant fear that I may get sick again. Sometimes, that cloud sinks, and like smoke it burns my eyes and curls around my lungs. I feel it in my blood and in my bones. This sickness has become part of me; it has twisted itself around my heart and under my skin. I try and fight it, but it continues to grow.

I don't want to be this way any more. I feel exhausted. I feel pathetic. I feel horrible because the people that I love will always end up blaming themselves for this. It isn't them. It isn't their fault. I was just been fucked over royally biologically, genetically and environmentally from the beginning. A lot of this stems from how I was treated by other people, but it's the people I love the most that give me a reason to keep going.
I don't want to disappoint them. I know I will. I'll fall, I'll relapse, I'll hurt myself. I don't want that, but I know that it'll happen. He always tells me that I'm "strong". I really don't think that I am. Stubborn? Probably, but I'm not strong at all. I'm very weak. I give in to this illness, I let it consume me-- because I feel like it's completely hopeless to resist. Most days, I don't want to fight. There will be times when I just want to die. I will always need someone to pull me out of that place.

I hate myself for all of this. I hate that I'm this way, but I really don't know what it's like NOT to be sick. I'm tired of going to doctors and therapists. I'm sick of taking pills and being told to "lighten up". I'm done with people telling me "it's all in my head," because you know what? That is a very easy thing to tell someone, but it is a very hard thing to change when you've been this way for most of your life. Someone who has not suffered in this way can not understand how it feels to live nearly your whole life feeling like you're a worthless piece of shit. Do you know how that feels? To actually want to die? Do you know what it's like to give up on everything? If the answer is "no," please refrain from telling ANYONE who suffers from a mental illness to "get over it".  

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