October 17th

I'm sitting here in the library by myself. I haven't posted here in a while, so I figured this might be a good time-- as I have so many thoughts swirling around in my brain. I get like this in the fall. There's something about this time of year that makes me feel like day dreaming. I love the autumn. I like going on walks in the cool air, and cuddling up with Tristan under blankets and drinking tea. You know, I think I'd be perfectly happy, just laying around with him. We don't have to do anything specail. We don't have to do anything at all. I just like being with him. It doesn't matter where we are. I want to be by his side. Always.

I think, that this is the kind of relationship that will last. I can't help but think I've gotten so incredibly lucky. He's just so wonderful, you know?  I've never met anyone like him. Every little thing about him makes me smile. Everything about him is perfect. His eyes, how he looks at me, the way he holds me hand... all of it. It makes me love him more. Even the things he hates about himself, I love. I love how he gets jealous sometimes. How he tries to hide it-- I think it's so cute, that he's embarrassed about his jealous streak. But, he has nothing to worry about when it comes to other guys. I'm madly in love with him. I don't even notice other guys. I mean, why would I when I'm with the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on?
I really have no idea where I would be without Tristan. He's done so much for me, and he probably doesn't even know it. I've never felt this kind of unconditional love before. It scares me a little sometimes, because I'm really not used to it. I'm used to being told I'm not good enough. I've grown accustomed to abandonment  I get scared at times that my illness will make him hate me, too. Yet, he's done nothing but support me and comfort me when I really need it. That's another thing I love about Tristan, he's so patient  Just a few days ago, I completely broke down into a crying spell, right in front of him. He just held me and told me he understood. He told me everything was going to be okay. There was no selfishness in his actions or what he said. He didn't try and make me feel bad about getting upset and he didn't blame himself. He just held me and told me how much he meant to me. That's all I wanted to hear from someone.
"I need you,"
Up until recently, I went my entire life feeling as though I wasn't needed. Yeah, there are days I wake up and I feel that way, but the second my eyes meet his, I know that he needs me. This person needs me. I don't know if I have it in me to give up now. Not yet. I have to keep living for him. To see that smile.