Friday, 31 August 2012

Oceanic Feelings

People always say that when you’re in a relationship, that the “magical feeling” disappears quickly. I suppose, in a lot of cases, that’s true. There is a lot of excitement in the “chase” and a lot of anticipation before someone makes a move. It’s those kind of moments, where you feel butterflies and  your heart races, that make you feel so alive and full of hope. I’ve been with Tristan for a little over 4 months,( so it may sound stupid, I know, we haven’t been together long) but, it’s a strange thing that those butterflies still haven’t faded. I think, it’s because I truly love him. I really do, so much. So even the little things that he does make me smile.
  In my eyes, Tristan is absolutely perfect. Every time I see him, even if I were to see him 20 times a day, I feel my heart flutter and I can feel my belly form that lovely little ache you get, you know— the same feeling you get when your eyes meet with the eyes of that person that you really fancy— I still get that. 
  It still feels odd looking back on it now. When I looked at him or spoke to him, he always seemed like the kind of guy that kept things to himself. Like he had all of the things that scared hi; every painful memory, every hurtful word and regret— locked away inside some place where no one could touch it. He tried so hard to hide it too. He always seemed as if he was lost in his own thoughts. To most people, I suppose he seemed like a happy, outgoing guy. But honestly, I could see something every, very sad in his eyes. When we really started talking, I told him that. I told him, that his eyes looked like they were constantly searching— even longing for something.But I never thought in a million years that some of that was me. I never thought that he would ever see me in a romantic sort of way for many reasons. 
First of all, Tristan is a really attractive guy, to be completely honest with you. I always thought he was attractive, even before I realized I had feelings for him. He’s quite tall, slender, and has these big, gorgeous hazel-brown eyes and— oh god, he has this beautiful crooked smile and lovely wavy dark hair. He dresses in cardigans and pea coats and scarves and soft cottony v-necks and comfy canvas shoes. There’s just something about the way he presents himself, and carries himself— and I’ve always thought that. 
Secondly, I have this “self defeating personality” which is really a nuisance. I thought about it for a while when I realized that I had a bit of a thing for him, but every single time I did I drove myself mad.
 “Should I tell him?”
 ”I’m going to tell him,”
 ”No wait, I can’t.”
  “He’s too good for me”
 ”He could have any girl he wanted, why would he accept my feelings?”

Everything just built up over time until I couldn’t stand it any more. I was unhappy where I was, and I honestly believed that the only way that this feeling would go away was if I did something for myself for a change. I was in a relationship at the time that I realized how strong those feelings for Tristan really were. I didn’t want to hurt the person I was with, but really, it was inevitable. I knew that. but I felt so alive when I stood by Tristan. When I’m with him, I feel like I’m actually ALIVE, instead of just existing. For so long, I walked around with this cynical and depressive attitude— like I was shrouded in this haze of negativity. I felt like I was stuck, like I wasn’t moving forward in the direction I wanted to.

But when I was with him, I felt like I could do it. Like I could make my life into whatever I wanted. He actually cared, and he really showed it in the things he said and did for me. Just little things, like staying awake with me for an entire night while I cried, and suffered through panic attacks. He stayed by my side. He wasn’t scared off. He didn’t get frustrated. Tristan stayed with me. 

Honestly, that’s all I wanted; was for someone to stay with me, and not be ashamed of me. I wanted to be with someone, that was proud of me. Someone that would hold my hand for the entire world to see. I’ve never had that. I’ve always just been put down and made to believe that I wasn’t worthy of that. 

I hated waking up in the morning then. I always had this sense of dread for each day that passed. But, when I knew I would see him, it gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It gave me a reason to live each day. As long as he wanted me here on this earth, I was going to try. I will try. I’ll keep trying— as long as he’s around, I want to live.
And that’s why, I think, that those butterflies haven’t gone away. Every day that I see him, is like the first day I opened my eyes to my feelings for him. It’s because I live each day to be the one by his side. That’s why.

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